Delaware Judge grants restraining order in case of Doe v. Kash

MILFORD, DE – Haunted for weeks by the constant feeling of being watched, a Delaware man who wishes to remain anonymous was granted a restraining order against his accused stalker, a small stack of money bearing a pair of large googly eyes. The defendant, who has an estimated value of about $260 and operates under the alias “Kash”, was caught repeatedly in police surveillance of the home and office of the man identified in court documents as “John Doe.” Described by the defendant as “relentless,” and “unforgiving”, Kash made a habit of staring blankly at Doe through windows, doorways, and even across rooms from inside Doe’s own home, partially obscured by furniture or potted plants.

“I don’t care what they say on the commercials, that little guy is creepy.” Said Doe’s wife, in recently released courtroom testimony. “Sure, it’s…I mean….is it a he or a she? Whatever…it’s just trying to show us how much money we could be saving by changing our car insurance, but couldn’t it just call us or send us an e-mail or something?”  Doe’s wife added that Kash’s repeated invasions of the couple’s bedroom were what finally motivated the costly lawsuit.

Reporters recently caught up with Kash at a park, where he was seated presumably just beyond the 500ft. range of Doe ordered by the courts. Armed with a small telescope, he seemed to be carrying on his surveillance at a distance.

Kash was completely unresponsive to reporters’ questions, a fact most experts attribute to his lack of brain and mouth.

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Thank God for Robert Pattinson Thursday

nor21Below is an excerpt from a NYT article about R-Patz’s mall visits while promoting Twilight a few months back:

“What is with all the screaming?” Mr. Pattinson asked when he came out. He absently ran his hand through his hair. Pandemonium ensued. He tugged at his white T-shirt in response, ever so nervously. Oh, boy. Then he laughed good-naturedly at the absurdity of it all. The smile was just a bit too much. A girl in a “Team Edward” shirt fell into the arms of her friend. “I can’t stand it!” she said.”

Nice tan.

Nice tan.

Amazon Unveils Kindle 2, New Ad-Based Revenue Stream

av-phil.jpgAt midnight last night, online retail juggernaut Amazon.com began selling its newest eBook reader, the Kindle 2. For those lucky enough to get in during the pre-order period, this means their devices could arrive as early as tomorrow with overnight shipping. Reviews are already popping up across the internet, and so far, the eBook reader has been far more successful than similar offerings by competitors Sony and Plastic Logic.

Most agree that the driving force behind the device’s success is the free cellular internet connection it provides. In addition to enabling users to buy and download titles from Amazon.com, the Kindle provides access to several online newspapers and magazines, as well as reference sites such as Wikipedia. Many wonder about the financial viability of offering for free a service for which most wireless carriers charge $15-$50 per month. The money could only come in from online book sales…until now.  At a press conference this morning, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced the inclusion of new, context-based advertising on the Kindle 2. “In advertising, it’s all about finding the next unexplored frontier.” Bezos explained to a herd of anxious reporters. “Google managed to find a very effective way of using the internet as an advertising tool. With our new AdText technology, Amazon has opened the door for advertisers to promote themselves in our most treasured pieces of literature.”

Starting Monday, advertisers will be able to bid on placement for their products and services in fiction and non-fiction books alike, with spots in the most popular series, such as Harry Potter or the new pre-teen hit Twilight garnering top-dollar for ad penetration. “Imagine how much business McDonalds could gain if Harry and his friends stopped for a Big Mac extra value meal in Diagon Alley before heading off to Hogwarts” quipped Bezos. “Or if Ramona enjoyed a nice refreshing Frostee Shake from Wendy’s before her latest Hijinx.” (Referencing the popular children’s series by Judy Blum). “The sky’s the limit!”

When confronted about preserving the sanctity of authors’ works, Bezos was prepared on the defensive. “Careful steps will be taken with any insertions to keep the books appropriate. We don’t want to have kids reading about adult book stores and porn sites.” He said, in reference to the startling percentage of the internet and online advertising dedicated to smut. “You can be sure that if Harry Potter ever gets into any adult situations, he’ll be using only Trojan™ brand contraceptives to protect himself and teach children valuable lessons about life.” Bezos then visibly winked at the assembled crowd and television cameras before announcing he would be taking no further questions.

One of these will soon be set entirely at Six Flags Great Adventure

One of these will soon be set entirely at Six Flags Great Adventure

The announcement stoked investors, who drove Amazon’s share price up 400% on a few related announcements from around the industry. The first was that Apple stores would be opening up in Narnia, Hogsmeade, and The Land Before Time. Later in the trading session, the Miller Brewing company published a press release detailing their purchased revision to the introduction of A Tale of Two Cities, which now reads “It was the best of times, it was Miller time…”

Tiger Woods to Rivals: “They Have Rebuilt Me…”

av-phil.jpgEight months ago, news of Tiger Woods’s injury rocked the golfing world.  Tiger had been missing one of his ACLs for years (since childhood apparently), and the missing ligament finally took its toll and caused a stress fracture in his leg left leg.

Last June, Tiger announced he would be entering a secret government program, designed to make him “better…stronger, and faster.”  Tiger continued, “na-na-na-na-na-na…” as he carefully limped across the stage in slow motion.  Already considered to be among the premier golfers in history, Tiger’s new enhancements give him an unprecedented advantage, and the opportunity to take his game to previously unattainable heights.

In an interview, Dr. Noonien “Checkmate” Soong, who was involved in the procedure, commented,  “Using his telescopic vision, Mr. Woods can now get a better, more accurate view of the green.  Once he fully adapts to his advanced upper body strength and computer-guided muscle command, we estimate he will be able to shoot holes in one on up to 70% of his first shots.”  Smiling, Dr. Soong continued, “We also gave him the ability to see through walls and a sweet laser cannon on his right forearm, but those don’t really do much for his golf game.”

Woods will return to match-play later today at the WGC-Accenture Match Play Championship, where he is already a 50-stroke favorite over his nearest competitor, Phil Mickelson.  When asked for comment, Mickelson shrugged and replied, “It’s all fun and games until they put the finishing touches on Robo-Palmer.  I’m not looking forward to his first trip to the links.”

"...I'll be black?"

"...I'll be black?"

Cause I’m Icy Ma’, Nikes Are Pricey Pa’

nor21Jobs lost, stocks down, moral low.  Not if Obama has anything to do with, at least not today.  This is his chair, this is his problem.

Earlier this morning He signed the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act into law yesterday (yeah I’m slow in posting this info), which kicks up a range of tax relief for Americans.  The law green lights the “Making Work Pay” credit, which means that the Treasury Department has told employers to reduce the amount of taxes withheld from paychecks by April 1.  WHICH MEANSSS….most of us will notice an extra couple of bucks in our paychecks soon.

So for example, a single person with no children making between $20,000 and $30,000 would see a 12.5% reduction in his or her tax liability for an annual savings of $453 (roughly an extra $37.75 in your paycheck). The same person making between $50,000 and $75,000 would see a 4.6% drop, or $626.

If you’re married (with or without kids) making between $50,000 and $75,000 could see a 10.5% drop for a savings of $991. Those making between $75,000 and $100,000 would see their tax liability go down 9.1%, or $1,457.

You stimulated now America? Zexxyyy!

You stimulated now America? Zexxyyy!

Wall Street Fighter

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Separated by Divinity

L: Ray Lamontagne, musician | R: Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior

L: Ray Lamontagne, musician | R: Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior

nor21