T-Pain Style: Supreme Court and Jacuzzis

kevatarAuto-Tune the News makes politics fun again.  Enjoy:

UN to Send Teachers to North Korea

av-phil.jpgNEW YORK, NY – The United Nations Security Council today unveiled a new initiative to address the rising tensions in North Korea, drafting several dozen kindergarten and elementary school teachers from around the world into a new UN-led diplomatic force.  The project, called “Operation Time-Out”, was devised by the council after carefully reviewing communications and inflammatory overtures from the tiny north Asian state.  Relatively quiet up until recently, Pyongyang has made headlines again through short- and long-range missile tests, the rumored restart of a nuclear power facility, and its renewed contempt for the six-party talks with its neighbors and the west.

“We took a look at all this news coming in, and started to see a pattern.”  said Susan Rice, the US Ambassador to the United Nations.  “The North Korean government was showing all the signs of acting out that one normally sees in a neglected child.  Temper tantrums, selfishness, inability to share its toys with others…who better to confront these problems than our foremost experts in the field of immaturity?”

The teachers are traveling with Stephen Bosworth, former ambassador from the United States to South Korea, currently serving as the US special envoy to North Korea.  Along with an undisclosed number of UN Peacekeeping forces assigned for protection, the teachers are bringing blocks, board games, and finger paint.  Also rumored to be among the cargo are the parts to construct a swing-set and a jungle gym.

The itinerary for the trip is closely guarded due to security concerns, but there has been much speculation and at least a few leaks.  One trusted source close to the group says the day will begin with all attendees sitting cross-legged on mats while reading the Shel Silverstein classics The Missing Piece and The Giving Tree.  Sometime after that participants will be served apple juice and those little butter cookies that come in the big tin cans.

North Korean Premier Kim Jong Il patiently awaits his turn to go down the slide

North Korean Premier Kim Jong Il patiently awaits his turn to go down the slide

Available in Five Horrendous Flavors

av-phil.jpgThere are all kinds of people on the internet.  It was heralded in its early days as a great equalizer of people, giving the same capabilities and voice to a rich white man in New Hampshire that it did to a despondent girl in Tibet.  What the inventors of the internet didn’t know when they were setting this thing up was that the vast majority of people would use the inherent anonymity of the internet to voice only their most uneducated opinions.

Case in point:  some of you may remember my April Fools’ Day post about the Great Armenian Merger of 2009.  It was a couple months ago, but I am still hearing about it.  A group in Toronto apparently bought it wholesale for about a day and were quite worried.  A non-trivial community member from Ft. Lauderdale called the AYF office in Boston to ask what the deal was with the merger.  All very gratifying results of an article which is quite obviously nonsense if you more than just skim it.

But then a week ago, someone seized the opportunity to post a real steamer of a comment, not only trashing the alleged merger and all the involved organizations, but diasporan Armenians in general.  Now, I realize that I am probably the last person in the world who should condemn a hater, but I think I’m right in saying that this takes things to a new level.  Plus, it’s funny when I do it.

This comment has been sitting in the pending pile awaiting my or Norak’s approval, and until now we just didn’t know what to do with it.  Finally I decided to bleep out the more offensive stuff (I’m told kids read this), [sic] the shit out of it just to be a prick, and approve it, then write this response in a post.  The poster uses a few medium-sized words (like “vehemently”) so he/she is either not a complete doorknob, or (more likely) has access to a thesaurus.

Thanks to our site analysis software, we know that the comment originated somewhere in North Jersey.

NO, this is a great insult to Armenia and its REAL Armenians, i am 100% vehemently against this as these 3 orgs are VERY ANTI-Hayastan/Hayastanci
I wish for all 3 orgs (especially eastern) to fail and all of you are nothing Armenian. buch[sic] of sandn****r[sic] and turks who get together few[sic] times a year in a hotel and “pretend” to supposedly “play sports” all while acting EYrab and turk and then having balls[sic] to say….”oh yah[sic], we are Armenian”…what a crock of s**t you gor gor spyurks are, you and your so-called “Armenian” life[sic], you would’nt[sic] know anything what[sic] it means to be Armenian. you’re all fools who are brainwashed by your traitorous parents/grand-parents who desperately want to dissolve Armenian identity into some sandn****r EYrab/turGAY identity.

AYF = A stands for AMERICAN
HMEM = ARABetmen
ACYO = turkCYO

now all 3 are joining forces to destroy intentionally[sic] see to it that Armenia never succeeds, epsecially[sic] in JEWmerica. thats right you f**kers keep on believing you think you are anything “Armenian”, when your actions and praises show your real true colors, think your turk/arab s**t dont stink? stinks worst[sic] than that camel life you all love so much

Yet another reminder to stay away from drugs and alcohol during pregnancy.

Try our newest flavor, Red-berry Douchebag

Try our newest flavor, Red-berry Douchebag

Worst Wedding Announcement of the Year

nor21The most famous love triangle in the comic world has finally come to an end. Archie Andrews, of Archie comics has selected his bride.

“I am so sad, I don’t even know what to say,” Betty writes on her blog.

Yup, that’s right…Archie chose the rich, conceited and slutty Veronica; breaking girl-next-door Betty’s heart once and for all. It only took him 67 years to decide, so he better damn well know what he’s doing.

“I am so excited, I am getting married to Archie. There is so much to do, so many plans to make. I wonder if Betty wants to be my Maid of Honor? I bet she is so happy for me!” Veronica writes on her blog. Bitch please! She probably hopes you fall off a cliff. Or get caught in bed with Jughead the night before the nuptials, which is very likely.

I guess we’ll just have to wait to find out what happens when the 600th issue of the comic hits comic stores in August and newsstands in September. The cover will show Archie proposing to Whore-onica.

betty

Further Evidence Why Dogs Are Awesome

Dogs are awesome.  Reason #111,175:  They adapt to your nationality.  In this case, Armenian.

Maine Realizes It’s Boring, Opens Naked Doughnut Shop, Gets Complaint

nor21Someone (usually a T-rex) always has to ruin all the fun.  Authorities in Vassalboro, Maine received a complaint on Saturday that a waitress was spotted outside a topless doughnut shop without…you guessed it…a shirt on.
j
A trooper was dispatched to the Grand View Topless Coffee Shop on Saturday to investigate.  Luckily he was already inside inhaling a baker’s dozen and ogling lady boobies.
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doughnuts

The Hotness That is Robert Pattison Avenue

L: A delicious poster of Robert Pattinson advertising the second installment of the Twilight series | R: A picture of Pattison Ave in South Philadelphia

L: A delicious poster of Robert Pattinson advertising the second installment of the Twilight series | R: A picture of Pattison Ave in South Philadelphia

This is what happens when you don’t give me a rebuttal Philz!