A-Rod at the Bat

av-phil.jpgI got a little free time today to finally put something new up here for all our anxious fans. As long as we’re on a poetry kick here I thought I’d chip in with something loosely inspired by last night. Non-baseball fans might not get as much out of this, but hey, there’s mild profanity! That’s something, right?

Adapted from Casey at the Bat, by Ernest Lawrence Thayer.

A-Rod at the Bat

The Outlook wasn’t awesome for the Yankee Fans that day:
The score stood six to nothing, with one inning left to play.
Then when Melky flied to center, and then Swisher did the same,
A sickly silence fell upon the worst fans in the game.

Most of them got up to leave the park looking dejected.
Maybe twenty stayed in hopes their team’d be resurrected;
They thought, if only A-Rod could get but a whack at that –
We’d put up even money, now, with A-Rod at the bat.

But Tex preceded A-Rod, and so did Derek Jeter,
And the former was a douchebag and the latter was a beater;
So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of A-Rod’s getting to the bat.

But Derek hit a single, to disrupt Cliff Lee’s apt flow,
And Tex, the quite expensive, forced an error on a throw;
And when the dust had lifted, fans saw what had occurred,
There was Tex standing at second and Old Damon there on third.

Then from 5,000 throats and more there rose a lusty yell;
It rumbled through the valley, it rattled in the dell;
It knocked upon the mountain and recoiled upon the flat,
For A-Rod, mighty A-Rod, was advancing to the bat.

There was ease in A-Rod’s manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in A-Rod’s bearing and a smile on A-Rod’s face.
The game’s most pricey player straightened both his gloves and hat,
No stranger in the crowd could doubt that A-Rod came to bat.

Ten million eyes were on him as he stood inside the box;
For the series was on TV, with shit play calling by FOX.
Then while Cliff Lee in confidence mulled what ball he’d pitch,
Defiance gleamed in A-Rod’s eye, the prissy little bitch.

And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,
And A-Rod stood a-watching it with quite a douchey stare.
Close by the girly batsman the ball unheeded sped-
“That ain’t my style,” said A-Rod. “Strike one,” the umpire said.

From the benches, mostly empty, there went up a stifled roar,
Like the beating of a kitten on a firmly padlocked door.
“Kill him! Kill the umpire!” shouted someone from the halls;
(It’s unlikely they’d have killed him for the Yankee Fans lack balls).

With a smile of undue confidence great A-Rod’s visage shone;
He stilled the rising tumult; he bade the game go on;
He signaled to the pitcher, and once more the ball took flight;
And A-Rod took a feeble swing and fouled it off to right.

“Lame!” cried the maddened dozens, and echo rang to follow;
The house that George had built was empty now and thus quite hollow.
They saw his face get puckered up, they saw his muscles strain,
And they knew A-Rod wouldn’t let their dreams be killed again.

The sneer is gone from A-Rod’s lip, his teeth are clenched in hate;
He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate.
And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he lets it go,
And now the air is shattered by the force of A-Rod’s blow.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright;
A band is playing somewhere, and in Philly hearts are light,
And somewhere men are drinking, as the Yankee fans all pout;
Because in New York City – mighty A-Rod has struck out.

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Oh God We’ve Been Whore-able.

nor21Uh-oh. We just got a nasty-gram from one of our loyal readers.  And surprisingly enough, it’s not Intern Paul.

You give us a reason to come back Mr. Justin.  Well, maybe just reason enough for PhilZ and Kev to come back.  I still have a wedding to-do list that is as long as the Eastern seaboard.   Picking our knobs for cabinets is really important you guys.  Expect the norak to be back in full action this December!

The unHappy Goat

I’m tired of seeing the same tumbleweed,
I need something different indeed.
Whatever you think might make us laugh,
as long as it’s not one of those damn stock market graphs.

We the people need something good,
especially when we are in front of our computers eating our food.
(That was a reference to my old lunch time,
where I would read your site and drink my tequila with lime.)

Now that I’m unemployed like most people in every state,
I am bored as fuck because you guys are late.
Where are the jokes, reviews, and news,
it seems like you all took a snooze.

I know I am horrible with this crappy poem,
but hopefully it will inspire you all to do something when you get home.
Don’t let the MAN get you down,
soon you will be able to get candy all around town.

Halloween you fools is just about a week away
and nothing yet on the site of what you are all thinking about that day.
Will Norak be Gaga over what everyone wears?
Shall Z make somthing edible or somthing else that cant compare
or will Kevo surprise us all with something crazy like a bear.
I would ask you all but I do not dare.

No news of what is going on in the world of Goat,
so all I have to say is “What are you on a FUCKIN BOAT?”
I know there is a lot going on in your lives,
but how hard is it to plan a wedding or tell a cop some lies :).

Give us a bone, a taste, a bite,
make fun of something and do the Goat right.
Do it for the kids, the animals, the bored drones at work,
because you know all about the Goats benefits and perks.

-Z’s Favorite Animal

...you could blame it all on me.

...you could blame it all on me.

So I Guess We’re All Busy or Something

av-phil.jpgJobs sure do suck sometimes, huh?