Today on SEPTA…

Thursday, December 17, 2009 – A middle-aged man kept referring to his wife as stingy while conversing with the bus driver. I started feeling bad for the guy because it seemed like he’s in an unhappy marriage.  And that’s when I heard…

…so that’s why we get along so well.  She keeps the spending in check and knows how to save money.

Then my heart broke for him for an entirely different reason — he’s just that dumb.  The correct word was frugal, sir.  Your wife is frugal, not stingy.

Free Wi-Fi at McDonald’s in 2010

Free wi-fi at McD’s? Am I the only one who thinks that nothing good can come of this?

Imagine your(smartphone-less)self needing to send a very important email.  Just when you’re about to break down and pay the $3.99 for two hours of Internet service at Starbucks, you spot those glorious golden arches and remember that they now offer FREE WI-FI! You’re day just got exponentially better and you have McD’s to thank.  You are indebted to them.  You order a #1 to show your gratitude.  Classic.

In no time at all, you find that McDonald’s has become your favorite spot for free Internet.  After an order of small fries here, an apple pie there, you get annoyed with your pants…your PANTS, but NEVER McDonald’s.  After all, THEY are providing you with free access to the ‘net, not your pants.  OK Kevin Federline, we see where your priorities are at.

Again, nothing good can come of this.

The Illusion of Power

Normally, I have reservations about joining random facebook groups.

Each day, it seems, my facebook inbox is bombarded with messages claiming that “I bet I can find 4000 people to join this group” or, “If 10,000 people join this group, the Israel/Palestine Conflict will be resolved”.

This is not to say that I am popular.  Far to the contrary, this is to say that the vast majority of my facebook friends are either stupid or under the influence of some manner of computer virus.

Anyway, one of these such groups has now caught my eye.  The goal is, I can assure you, quite attainable (they only need 100 or so more members) and the outcome is more or less assured, given the right circumstances.

This is Caspar:

Hi, Caspar. That's a nice looking ice cream cone.

He is a friend of a friend whom I have never met.  You may notice that in the above picture he has hair.  If the below-linked group reaches 1000 members (or so claim the proprietors of said group), Caspar will shave his head.

Now, because I only count for 1/3 of the membership of this particular “weblog”, I can’t count this story as an official Happy Goat endorsement of this action.  The views expressed in this post are not (necessarily) the views of Norak and Kevo, my partners in this enterprise.

But look at this picture, and ask yourself: “Can I live in a world where this individual does not shave his head for the most ludicrous of reasons?”

I leave this question on your conscience.

Cast your vote and join the group.

Editor’s Note: Norak has met this individual and is wholeheartedly against shearing off his locks, for “love” or any other reason noted.

Today On SEPTA…

Now that I have relocated to a home that is past the 10-minute mark that I am willing to walk to work, the Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority, otherwise known as SEPTA, is my unfortunate preferred method of transportation.  I am overwhelmed with fear optimism and a peace of mind that as I get on that bus each day with the rest of the clean, respectful, wonderful residents of Philadelphia, I will get to my destination safely.  And it is exactly this optimism, this enthusiasm I have for public transportation, that has led me to create a new section on THG appropriately titled,  Today on Septa…enjoy.


Wednesday, December 16, 2009 –
Today on SEPTA , a 200 year-old woman got on the bus with Saks and Bloomies bags in tow.  The large bus was otherwise empty.  However, she felt that it would make the most sense to put her bags right next to me and continue to stand and stare at me until I realized she was expecting me to move – which I did out of my respect for all things vintage.

We Get Eight Nights To Do Right By The Jews

And thank you for that, otherwise we would have totally not gotten around to wishing you all a very Happy Hanukkah!

In celebration of 5th night of the Festival of Lights (tonight), we have crafted our very own goat-inspired MeNORAK, I mean, Menorah.

Chag Sameach!!! (Especially you Lissy! <3)

We will grab a goat from the ground each night and add to the tree as the holiday continues. Shalom!

Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee Agree to Blockbuster Deal

PHILADELPHIA, PA – It took days of deliberation.  Consecutive sleepless nights spent hammering out the details.  Agents and lawyers flowed in and out of conference rooms in three different cities as the parties involved fought for every last inch of one of the biggest baseball deals of the year.  Leaks had been flowing from every which way, some contradicting others, some agreeing in a sort of pseudo-confirmation, granting edification to the lucky reporter who broke it first.

Finally, a little after 4AM Eastern time on Tuesday, the terms of the deals were finalized.  The Phillies pitching staff, playing host to Toronto starter Roy Halladay, (in town for some reason) elected to rent 1998 Robert Duvall action movie Deep Impact from Blockbuster for their weekly movie night.  In return, the Blue Jays (and a group of the Phillies top prospects who got lost in Canada on a road trip to Boston), will rent Last Holiday, the mediocre 2006 Queen Latifah vehicle.

“We had to take this golden opportunity when Doc [Halladay] was out of town to finally rent Last Holiday” said Jays’ Center Fielder Vernon Wells.  “[Blue Jays 2B] Aaron [Hill] won’t stop talking about it, says it’s the best thing since sliced bread.  Every time it comes up though, Roy shoots it down.  I have no idea why,” said Wells, already in his pajamas and getting ready to microwave a bag of popcorn.

In Seattle, where Phillies starter Cliff Lee was in town visiting friends, the Mariners (missing a number of their top prospects, assumed to be on vacation) responded to the Phillies’ choice of Deep Impact by renting the other 1998 movie about an asteroid striking the Earth, the Bruce Willis thriller Armageddon.

“I could never get Armageddon to fly in Philly.” noted a visibly excited Lee, who was unrolling his Philadelphia Phillies sleeping bag in the Mariners’ rumpus room.  “Raul [Ibanez] and Jamie [Moyer] just hate that movie for some reason.  Last time I brought it up,  Jamie mumbled something about the old guy sacrificing everything for the team, and Raul, well…I think Raul just hates Ben Affleck.”

The real winner today, though, is Blockbuster.  With these three high-profile rentals, the once-popular brick-and-mortar entertainment giant gains some much needed advertising in tough economic times.  Speaking to an investor group, Jim Keyes, chairman and CEO of Blockbuster, Inc, said “Each year, we rely on a large sports trade to remind the public that Blockbuster exists.  Based on past experience, we expect our profits to jump by as much as 10% in the aftermath of the free publicity this news coverage will subliminally bring.”

When asked about his thoughts on the actual trade, Phillies hurler Lee replied, “Trade?  What trade?  My agent said we were going to Baskin Robbins after…”

Cutest Little Boy Belting Out Mraz’s “I’m Yours”

Ah, the universal language of love.  Even if you were living under a rock and never heard Jason Mraz’s 2008 hit “I’m Yours” — you will know that this little boy, who knows absolutely none of the words, is here to serenade YOU!  Enjoy!

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