Conversations With the Barista

12:34 pm today:

Barista: Hi, how are you today?

Me: Hi, Dan.

Barista: What can I get you?

Me: Dan, this coffee… I’m drinking too much…

Barista: Yeah, you’re here 3 times a day.  It’s pretty ridiculous.

Me: Yeah, I feel like this coffee is eating up my insides.  It’s getting out of control.  (Turn to my coworker) Michele, I feel like they should put a warning on this coffee to show people’s insides.

Michele: Like the cigarette ads, when they show people’s lungs?

Me: Yeah.

Barista: Yeah, that wouldn’t be good for business.

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Ask the Editors: Is My Boss Crazy?

Reader’s Question: It was really quiet at one point today and my manager said, “I am a gypsy,” under his breath… with no context whatsoever.  Is he crazy?

Editor’s Answer: The context doesn’t matter in this case; either way he’s clinically crazy.  Who says that?  Find a new job.

Also see Ask the Editors: Should I Feel Bad About… and

Ask the Editors: Booze Cruise Safety

Ask the Editors: Should I Feel Bad About…

Reader’s Question: Somehow my contacts from Gmail got loaded into my Linked In account, including my ex’s, whose job title/company popped up on my screen.  Out of curiosity, I then checked out the average base salary for his position @ Glassdoor.com and realized I now make over twice as much as he does.  It made me feel so good inside…  I’m talking the peak-of-your-Vegas-weekend good.  Should I feel bad about that?

Editor’s Answer: No, you should feel amazing.  Well done.

Also see last “Ask the Editors”

NYC Beautiful Hurricane Video Footage

Click here or on picture for video footage:

Charming the Government Employees

I went to get a parking permit last night and learned that all old ladies behind plexiglasses are not created equal.  Especially if you don’t have all the documents you need to get that permit, choosing the right lady is critical to get what you want.  Here are tips to sort through which old ladies you should charm and which you shouldn’t:

1) The old lady with the long-haired wig:

Advice: Charm her; it may work.

Reason: She doesn’t care as much that you have proper documentation.  She’s old, but she wants to get with you.

2) The old lady with the raspy voice:

Advice: Charm her; it may or may not work.

Reason: She’s not thinking about you or your proper documentation.  She’s thinking about that sweet cig touching her lips once she gets on her break 10 minutes from now.  But for this reason, she’s volatile and charming her will be like a roll of the dice.

3) The old lady who hates life:

Advice: Don’t charm her obviously; it will never work.

Reason: She cares if you have proper documentation more than anyone should care about anything.  She doesn’t take care of herself anymore as evidenced by her ratty hair.  Thus, she has clearly thrown in the towel and to your detriment, she’s been around the block: she’s heard every excuse in the book and no type of charm/wink/nod will ever work with her.   She hates herself, but more importantly she hates you… more than you can ever imagine.

You’re Better Off Texting While Driving

To all of you begging your loved ones not to text while driving when you’re not around, you have nothing to worry about… because they’re not texting while driving.  Your son/daughter/wife/husband is doing 88 on the NJ Turnpike right now…

Paris Hilton drives over two valet parkers at STK, while transferring funds into her coke dealer's BOA account.

1) Online banking while driving.

2) Uploading pictures on Facebook while driving.

3) Cropping, tagging and adding captions to those pictures while driving.

4) Having conference calls with Bangalore while driving.

5) Giving power point presentations to the NY office while driving.

6) Reading the WSJ Op Eds while driving, and then forwarding those articles to friends while driving.

7) Opening a Twitter account while driving.

8) Writing on fmylife.com for the first time while driving.  First post: “I just engaged my Suburban into a Prius on the NJ Turnpike, fml.”

Lessons From Meatpacking District

You can learn a few things from a Friday night at a crowded Brass Monkey in New York’s Meatpacking District:

1) The long line outside this bar is only for show (even the CVS in this part of town creates a fake line, as to look Studio 54-ish).  Wait a few minutes and you’ll get inside in no time.

2) This bar gets so crowded, you’ll get plenty of action just walking up the stairs, as the huddled masses of inebriated 20 and 30-somethings will inevitably grind against your body to the beat of Jay-Z and old school Whitney Houston.

3) Awkward run-ins with past acquaintances are not uncommon, say on the rooftop of this popular bar.  Protect your buzz from being killed with this simple phrase ready to cut the conversation off: “I gotta find my friends downstairs”.  Don’t wait for a response and be sure to slur your words– that way your acquaintance will blame your abrupt exit on your alcohol consumption and not on their own mediocrity.

4) At the end of your night, taxi cabs won’t be rushing to give rides to you or the hundreds of other Paulie D’s or JWow’s peeing straight booze from their bleached A|X jeans or crotchless neon skirts squatted over the blacktop.  If you’re drunk and need to get back home @ 4 a.m., plan on bringing your urban-folding bicycle or a $20 bill for a black car.

5) Oh shit, you spent all your cash at the bar?  That sucks, bro.